Step to the Side

So many of my clients are facing really big challenges. Physical challenges, relationship challenges, emotional challenges, challenges of anxiety and more. And it’s not unusual for me to hear them talk about about feeling overwhelmed. Trying to manage their challenges has got them worn out. They have more going on than they can juggle and they are not sure what to do next. And because their difficulties aren’t taking a break, they don’t feel as though they ever get a break. Even when there isn’t a current crisis, it feels like one is lurking just around they corner, and they feel like they need to remain constantly on guard.

Does that sound familiar?

If it does, maybe this tool will help you too.

When I am sitting with a client who is feeling completely bombarded by difficult situations, anxious thoughts, etc., I invite them to take a few moments to practice this visualization with me. So I’ll invite you to do the same thing.

Step To The Side:

First, take a few moments to sit as comfortably as you can. Try to be sure that your body is well supported by the chair or sofa you are on. Then, allow your breathing to become even and steady, bringing a consistent flow of oxygen into your body and brain.

When you are feeling comfortable and supported, when your breathing is calm and even, imagine a river. This is a pretty large river, large enough to gain some speed as it moves along. Now, imagine that, as you round a curve in the river you see a waterfall. The waterfall isn’t enormous, but it is large enough for a grown person to stand underneath it.

Now imagine that you are standing in the center of the waterfall. The full force of the river is crashing down on and around you. It is loud, and overwhelming. In fact, it feels as though it could knock you over and sweep you downstream. The middle of the waterfall represents today in your life. Staying there can be scary.

You can’t stop the river from flowing.

You can’t stop the water from crashing over the falls.

But you can step to the side of the river.

You can observe the falls without being in the center, at least right now. You can know that the difficulty you face is real, without sitting in the middle of it. You can step to the side and enjoy some room to breathe, to feel supported, to take a break.

This isn’t about denying the difficulties you face. Instead, stepping to the side allows you to gather your strength for re-entering whatever challenge your river of life brings you.

Try It On

I would guess that you, like my clients, have had moments where the realities of your life feel like that river trying to sweep you away. So, I’m inviting you to step to the side today. Have you had a moment when you were able to step to the side? Please feel free to share in the comments. Need some help getting there? Just click that button on the right hand side.

Are You Letting Your Needs Show?

So many needs–Maslow’s Hierarchy

I recently took a pretty substantial roadtrip (total mileage: 2500ish). If you’ve been reading along with me for a while, you know that I love the chance to get out and see new things. I also get the chance to listen to some good music and a few good audiobooks along the way. This time, my music shuffle offered up Bill Wither’s classic “Lean on Me” several times. I think everyone knows this song, at least enough to sing along to the chorus. But what struck me on this trip was a verse that I had not heard clearly on other listens:

“Please, swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you won’t let show.”–Bill Withers

This verse spoke to me so powerfully, because it seems to describe exactly what I hear so many of my clients say.

Read the rest of this post here.

Don’t Drown in a Cup of Water

Okay, true confessions time. Sometimes, I like watching creation-based reality shows. Things like Top Chef or Project Runway. I know, contrary to their title, that there’s not much reality in these shows. I know that they are heavily edited to amp up the drama. I know all of this. But I love watching people make things. I think that making things is good for you, and the research would back me up on that.

But this post isn’t about my no-longer-secret vice. Anyone who has worked with me will tell you that I don’t hesitate to use popular culture to help my clients really grab my point (remember the “Princess Bride” post?). My family and friends will tell you that I am constantly making blog-related notes to help me remember those pop culture moments, and that happened recently while I was watching an episode of Project Runway. One cast member turned to another, and said:

Read more here.

Shift Perspective

Back in October, I wrote about the fun we had re-discovering the wonder in everyday items. For today’s post, I’m using another image from the City Museum of St. Louis. This particular photo does a great job of illustrating an idea that I often talk about with my clients. It is important to look at our situations from different angles. When we are facing stress, hurt, loss, or other challenges, it is really easy to get stuck in our assessment of a situation. We begin with an assumption about what is happening, and that assumption tends to get stronger over time.

Our assumptions matter. They matter because they shape the possibilities we see. Our perspective affects our sense of who we are in the world. Our view of the world determines how we define problems, and what solutions we see.

For example, the picture above looks like a collection of rusty junk. Admittedly, it’s rusty junk that has been laid out in a tidy way, but it’s rusty junk, nonetheless. And as we consider rusty junk, the appropriate response is usually to pitch it in the trash.

But, at the City Museum, the rusty junk is actually part of this:

It’s a fantastical tree structure, including a musical dragon. The artists at the City Museum have been able to look at rusty junk, the things that the rest of us would ignore or pitch, and envision something amazing. It’s a clear reminder that things can be more than they seem.

I love this.

I am so excited when I find reminders that we aren’t stuck with the way things initially appear. We aren’t trapped with the original presentation. Even in the face of illness, or pain, or loss–we retain the ability to change our perspective.

When we change our perspective, we change our possibilities. We create the chance to change our experience. To see the world in new ways, to have new experiences. And that’s where we gain some power in life. Because pain, illness and loss happen to all of us. They are unavoidable. But being paralyzed by the pain, illness and loss is not unavoidable.

So, what rusty junk in your life can you transform into musical dragon trees? What shifts in perspective might open up new possibilities for you? Please feel free to share in the comments.

And if you need help shifting perspective, you know where to find me.

Re-Discovering Wonder

This is a not-so fabulous picture of a fraction of the exterior structure to climb and explore at the City Museum (and yes, that is an actual airplane–go ahead, check out their website, they have way better pictures than I do) in St. Louis, MO. I visited City Museum for the first time a few weeks ago, and I have struggled to describe it ever since. The best description that I’ve come up with is this: part architectural salvage, part art project, part jungle gym, part museum complete with bug specimens, part maze, part full-size Chutes & Ladders game–all amazing. I heard another visitor say, “Every time I come here, I can’t even believe that something like this exists.”

Since my visit, I haven’t been able to shake the sense of wonder that City Museum inspires. Wonder at the creative vision to begin such a place initially. Wonder at the vast amounts of time that have been invested in every corner of the space. Wonder at the improbability of the whole thing.

That has served as a reminder to me that we need to be in touch with our sense of wonder. Between the day-to-day requirements of getting through life, and the barrage of upsetting or infuriating news that we are bombarded with, it is easy to begin to feel jaded, bored, or hopeless.

Places like the City Museum, spaces where a wild, wacky, creative, larger-than-life spirit has been given free reign, function a lot like the mountains or the ocean do for me: as “wonder generators.” After I’ve been in contact with these kinds of spaces, I notice that I feel re-energized and more ready to re-engage with my daily tasks. Wonder seems to be an antidote to the anxiety and other struggles that accumulate in my daily life.

So, this week, I’m inviting you to find a “wonder-generator” of your own. If you can’t work in a trip to St. Louis, then maybe your local art gallery or city park will do the trick.

If you feel inspired to share your “wonder-generators” in the comments, you will be welcome. If you have lost touch with your sense of wonder and aren’t sure how to get it back, feel free to contact me directly for support.

Celebrate the Small Wins

I’ve had bronchitis recently. I don’t know if you have ever gotten to dance with this lovely respiratory ailment, but it completely zaps you. Between the coughing and the fatigue, getting off the couch and back into my normal routine has been a major ask. Before the bronchitis, I had been working on getting more exercise, using a simple tracker to count my steps and active minutes. I was getting better at adding daily activity. I was hitting my targets more consistently.

And then I got sick. And I didn’t move for four days. When I did start to move again, my stamina was shot.

But even with the low stamina, there came a day when I managed to go from getting one blinky light on my my tracker to two. And I was thrilled. Before the bronchitis, a two-light day was a very low activity day, and I would have counted it as a loss. After the bronchitis, two lights was major progress.

I’m not telling you this because I think you really care about my activity levels. I’m telling you because it was a great reminder for me to celebrate the small wins.

It would have been easy to knock myself for that two-light day. I had been getting five lights and more, when I was healthy. Two lights was less than 40% of my total goal. There were plenty of chances to turn that moment into self-blame or self-shaming. But I made a different choice. I knew that even 40% of my total goal was way more than I had been able to achieve when I was really sick. And instead of focusing on the distance between that number and my healthy goal, I focused on the fact that I was improving, that I was headed in the right direction.

Celebrating the small wins is one of the ways that I help myself stay clear, hopeful and focused on the present moment. We don’t always get to have big wins. Those are few and far between. But we can create the chances for small wins every single day. We can shift from a habit of self-blame to a habit of celebration.

That’s my invitation to you today. Do you have a big goal that you have been struggling to reach? Has that struggle left you paralyzed and procrastinating? Then I’m inviting you to carve out one small bit of that big goal. Do that small thing. Then celebrate your win. Want to share it with us! Please do! You can find me here in the comments, on my Facebook page, or on Twitter.

This past weekend was Mother’s Day here in the US (in case you somehow missed the onslaught of ads and social media). And what struck me on Mother’s Day is that we like to think and act as though there is one right way to approach life. On Mother’s Day, the “one right way” is to be grateful and excited. Grateful for your mom. Excited for the chance to be a mom. Except, what if:

• Your mom has passed away, and you are missing her terribly.
• You don’t have children, and you truly wanted that opportunity.
• Your relationship with your mom or with your children is strained and difficult.
• You’re a single parent, so there’s not really anyone to show you appreciation on Mother’s Day.
• You’re working and don’t get the freedom to be “spoiled.”
• You had a child who passed away, so you’re a mother with no visible children.

Those are only a few reasons why you might be having emotions that aren’t simply “grateful and excited.” This post isn’t actually about Mother’s Day.

This post is about the fact that there is no one right way to be human. There is no one right way to experience emotion. There is no one right way to cope with stress. There is no one right way to handle grief.

Out of the billions of people sharing this planet today, not a single one is entirely identical (even identical twins grow different over time). Our bodies aren’t identical. Our circumstances aren’t identical.

And yet, we often act as though there is a single correct way to cope with the challenges in life. I have lost track of how many of my clients share experiences of being told that they are “doing it wrong,” when it comes to experiencing their own feelings. I think that this messaging about how we should feel and how we should cope is truly harmful to our mental health. When you are already struggling to cope with life’s tough stuff, it can be overwhelming to be told that you aren’t doing it right. That message of judgement can damage a fragile self-image.

I believe that sometimes, healthy self-care includes feeling sad, or angry, or frustrated. Sometimes (most times) grief doesn’t disappear in a poof of smoke because you pass some imaginary time limit. Sometimes, you really are facing overwhelming things, and you need a few moments (or longer) to sort them out.

So, as we recognize National Mental Health Month this May, my hope for you is that you give yourself permission to experience your own life in your own right way. Please know that I’m not saying that all coping is equal. I’m not. Some choices lead to healthier outcomes than others (for example, you’ll probably benefit more from a walk than a bottle of vodka to manage pain). But when it comes to your feelings and how you feel them, there is no one right way.

Have you had an experience of being outside the “perceived normal” experience? Feel free to share it in the comments. If you need help finding the healthy coping choices for your unique journey, you can always connect with me.

Fear vs. Worry

Bear with me folks. Today’s topic might feel a little nit-picky to you, but I think that it’s an important one to explore. I’d love for you to think a little bit about two emotional experiences that often get mixed up together. I don’t believe that they are the same, and I hope that you (and my clients) can learn to tell the difference between them. The definitions I’m about to use are not dictionary definitions. Instead, they are my own working definitions, drawn from lots of great researchers (Brene Brown, Rick Hanson, and Robert Siegel are just a few). But for the purposes of this post, these are the definitions I’m working with:

Fear: An emotion tied into the “fight-or-flight” sympathetic nervous system, triggered by situations in which we experience emotional or physical danger.

Worry: An emotion tied into the “fight or flight” sympathetic nervous system, triggered by anticipation of things that may cause emotional or physical stress.

Now if you look at those definitions, they look a lot alike, at first glance. In fact, they start off identically. That’s because they set off the same series of responses in our bodies. They use the same neurochemical pathways.

But worry and fear are different. And we don’t treat them that way. Our language acts as though they are the same. Here’s an example: “You have nothing to fear but fear itself.” WRONG! If there is a tornado bearing down on you, or someone pointing a gun at you–you are in danger and you should be afraid.

Fear is your brain and body’s way of letting you know that you are in a dangerous situation. It is supposed to trigger your sympathetic nervous system to help you respond appropriately to danger.

Worry is a fear-mimic, which generates an endless list of possible dangers that you should prepare to be ready to respond to. Worry doesn’t keep you safe. It just drains your energy. It keeps your body in a state of high alert that is toxic. Worry actually makes it hard for you to notice real, appropriate, self-protective fear. If you are reading about tornadoes in other states, you’re not in danger from them. You don’t need to go into fight-or-flight mode. That’s a worry response.

Worry is one of the primary things that stops us from living as though it will be okay.

So I’m going to ask you to join me in an experiment this week. I’m inviting you to notice your responses and try to sort them based on these definitions. Are you responding to a current physical or emotional threat? That’s fear. Are you preparing for the possibility of some future physical or emotional threat? That’s worry. You don’t have to do anything else. Just try out how it feels to notice the differences and call them out.

Have you had worry try to masquerade as fear? Has it stopped you from living the life you want? We can challenge worry–it just takes practice.

Rebooting

Rebooting. Restarting. Recommitting.

This topic isn’t a new one for me. In fact, I write about it at least once a year. Because at least once a year, I get off schedule and it takes me longer than I want or expect to get back in my groove. This time around, I gave myself permission to take spring break week off–I didn’t even schedule an archive post. (That was partly a choice, and partly a reflection of how busy I was before I left town).

And that part is just fine. I talk all the time about how important it is to walk your talk when it comes to self-care. Taking a week off isn’t a big deal.

The problem is this–it wasn’t really about spring break. My writing schedule had been off balance for a couple of weeks before I left town, and it’s taken me almost two weeks to get started again. The problem was my time management. I’m really busy in the office right now (therapy is a cyclical thing, and late winter is busy season!). And I wasn’t building in enough time to write. So, even though my writing is a commitment to my readers, even though it’s a part of my week that I really enjoy and look forward to, I let it drop.

I got out of the groove, and the ideas weren’t flowing as easily as I had gotten used to.

I changed my practice and following through got a lot harder.

I started to feel embarrassed about the fact that I hadn’t been on schedule, and that made it even harder to write.

Does any of this sound familiar? Does it parallel how you might be thinking or feeling about something that matters to you? Have you been trying to exercise, or meditate, or eat vegetables, or keep a journal? Did you do it for a little while, and begin to enjoy it? Were you starting to find your groove? And then life happened. The car broke down, or you had a flare-up, or work got busy. Something happened that interrupted your new habit.

Welcome to the club. The truth is, this cycle of committing and recommitting is what relationships (with ourselves or anyone else) are all about. We try, we succeed, we try, we drop the ball. The most important thing is that we keep on trying. And that we are compassionate and nonjudgmental with ourselves. This is what life includes. Getting out of sync isn’t a failure, it’s a sign of being present in a busy, dynamic, messy real life.

So, if you are in the “offline” position with your own self-care, I’m inviting you to join me. I’m rebooting. I’m activating my compassion and I’m reconnecting to my commitment to write.

What reboot are you starting?

Sometimes Self-Care Includes Sad

This has been on my mind for a little while. It probably started during a #BCSM (Breast Cancer & Social Media) chat about dealing with bumps and ruts in the journey toward health. Moderator Alicia Staley (@stales) asked me if was “okay to stay in a rut sometimes.” My reflexive answer to that was, “Yes, of course.” That might be a surprising answer to those of you who don’t know me. After all, aren’t psychologists part of the mechanism that we use to “fix” our painful feelings? Certainly the commercials about mental health issues (nearly always to sell a medication) suggest that we shouldn’t have do deal with feeling sad, or worried, or angry, or tired. Those feelings need to be fixed. [tbpquotable]But I’m not in the business of fixing feelings.[/tbpquotable] I believe that all of our feelings have value, and communicate important things to us about our needs and experiences in the world. My job is to help my clients increase their understanding of their feelings, what triggers them, and how to best cope with feelings in a way that is healthy and respectful to themselves. And sometimes, the healthy and appropriate way to feel is sad. Carolyn Thomas, of the excellent Heart Sisters blog, has a fantastic post about the pressure that heart patients feel to “put on a smiley face“– and the damage that this relentless false positivity can cause. If you have been diagnosed with a life-changing or life-threatening illness, feeling sad sometimes means that you are aware of just how much your life has altered–not that you have a bad attitude. If you have faced a loss, or are caring for a loved one in pain, feeling sad means that you are aware of the value that person has in your life, and how their absence has or will affect you. Sadness isn’t our enemy. We don’t need to banish it. We don’t need to push it back. Sometimes, good self-care is allowing yourself to acknowledge that you are sad. Sometimes, good self-care includes a cleansing cry. Sometimes it includes having solitude to process your sadness, and sometimes it includes finding others who can respect and share the sadness. This is often a tough issue for friends and loved ones. I’ve talked before about the difficulty that people who care about you may have with your pain. It can be tough for them to understand that expressing your sadness is an important part of health–that crying about something painful doesn’t mean giving up. Sadness is often a reminder of the things that are most important to us. You deserve the opportunity to feel your sadness, to let it flow out of you. That’s part of what makes room for joy. Need help with that? Drop me a line. Have a favorite way to express sadness? Please share in the comments. Image: “Sad Girl in Silhouette” used via Creative Commons License